Happy 12:00:00 AM 22 Mar, 2017

Live Longer - Medical Jokes
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

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#16720 Happy

12:00:00 AM 19 Mar, 2017

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

#17460 Happy

12:00:00 AM 22 Mar, 2017

01. Smart man + smart woman = Romance

02. Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy

03. Dumb man + smart woman = Affair

04. Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

05. Smart boss + smart employee = Profit

06. Smart boss + dumb employee = Production

07. Dumb boss + smart employee = Promotion

08. Dumb boss + dumb employee = Overtime

09. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
--> A woman will pay $1 for 2a $2 item that she doesn't need.

10. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

11. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

12. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

13. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

14. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

15. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

16. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

17. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

18. A woman has the last wor2d in any argument.

19. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

20. In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
--> Then God created man and rested.
--> Then God created woman.
--> Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

21. Why do men die before their wives?
--> They want to.

22. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

23. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
--> Two Mother-in-laws.

24. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of --> Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
--> Dad: That happens in every country, son.

25. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
--> Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

26. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

27. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
--> Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

28. How do most men define marriage?
--> An expensive way to get laundry did for free.

29. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

30. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

31. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

32. A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
--> And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."